this beer tastes like vomit already
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
