i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
