I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Drake has all the answers
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
