Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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