the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
