I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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