when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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