You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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