Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
