Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
