capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
