My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
