i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
