Who did Billy Mays play for?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
