cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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