Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
