I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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