so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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