Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
