Screwed.edu
My balls are so social today.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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