i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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