You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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