what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
