R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
