why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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