I wish I could teleport
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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