I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
What changed your mind?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.