I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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