At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
