did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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