I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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