your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
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I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
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What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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