I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
