How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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