just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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