yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
