life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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