Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
