In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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