I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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