her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
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She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
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Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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