he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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