I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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