oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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