so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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