Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
