hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
we're making bets on your personal life
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
