I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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