The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
