I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize