i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
