Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
