He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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