she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
