My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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