remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
