Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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